Dear Atlanta Citizen,

We regret to inform you that you cannot purchase a house within the city limits, due to the following regrettable factors:

  1. You want to live inside the Perimeter.
  2. You don’t want to pay more than you can afford.
  3. You want to be able to get to public transportation.
  4. You want to take advantage of government-funded first-time homebuyer’s downpayment assistance.
  5. You don’t want to get shot.
  6. You want the house to be in liveable condition.

Please remedy one of more of these requirements, and we will most certainly reconsider your future with us.

In the meantime, we suggest you try Cobb or Gwinnett counties.  We hear that Applebee’s is a great place to hang out on the weekends, and that racism is still in style there.

Yours truly, and go fuck yourself,

The City of Atlanta

10 thoughts on “Dear Atlanta Citizen,”

  6. What, is it Bennigan’s that is the hot weekend spot? TGIFriday’s?

    Because I know racism is still in style there. That’s where the Barack Obama monkey t-shirts come from. Classy.

  7. you know, if you pick up a really good meth addiction, then, like many of the wonderful midtown residents, you too can wander up and down ponce de leon without a care in the world… except where to “score” some more meth
    on the plus side
    they never seem bothered by the fact that their “home” is just a three walled bus stop.
    their bathroom and shower is the inside the 24 hour mac donalds.
    or that their income is collected in small quantities at a time and is apparently held be almost everyone leaving one of the many gas stations along the road.

    i’m sure there’s a downside too, but darned if i can think of any right now… i mean really. teeth? who needs a full set of teeth anyways?

  9. I definitely want the cardboard house with the bladders that collect water and give it weight. Great for hurricane season. Much better that FEMA trailers!

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