Top 10 Reasons Why Paul and Dave Are Single for the Holidays

10. Just because our grandmas say we should be with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t mean we have to be.
9. Still holding out for Tierney’s sister and brother.
8. “I’m not nodding off, baby … you just startled me.”
7. Dave’s fat.
6. Paul’s gay.
5. Hosting Christmas party with reenactment of the Nativity Scene featuring babe in swaddling clothes burning in recently tested fireplace.
4. Koster’s got all the 22-year-olds.
3. Rich Joey won’t buy us significant Asian others? Or will he …
2. Have you ever hung out with Kent and Leslie?
1. Because Brent Joseph is!

Merry Christmas from Paul and Dave.

Top 10 Turkeys

10. Me: I want to use paper plates and utensils for Thanksgiving dinner, so I don’t have to do any dishes or cook. Kent and Leslie are determined not to allow this. I’m mad.

9. Nick Saban: Made the list last year after being deplorable to the media that annointed him God in Baton Rouge. Now, he’s back, this time as the head coach of the “exciting” Dolphins. “The record doesn’t really matter, the result doesn’t matter and the score in the game doesn’t really matter.” Saint Nick’s ego will always stand in his way.

8. Leslie: For finally getting a job. (Sucker.)

7. The Atlanta Hawks: Moving from New Orleans, it was hard to imagine having a worse hometown hoops team to root for. It’s not hard to imagine that now. A month into the season, the Hawks are the only winless team in the NBA.

6. Rafeal “I have never done steroids in my life” Palmeiro

5. Mr. Unstoppable: He knows why.

4. T.O.

3. T.O.’s agent: “Can you tell me what else you’ve done for your client besides getting him kicked off the team?” One of the funniest moments in sports all year.

2. Tom Benson: What an evil, twisted man. Once again, he’s proven to be all-businessman and not nearly enough football-fan.

1. Anyone involved with the response to Hurricane Katrina: Due to your lack of organization and leadership, people died. Others lost their wordly possessions and some the ability to make a living in the city that they love. Thanks for the money, though. I miss New Orleans.

Top 10 Underrated Things

10. Disposable Razers: The result is worth the effort
9. Peach Candles: Makes room smell pretty
8. Apricot Body Wash: Makes me smell pretty (Does attract bugs, though)
7. Not making your bed: Is it really necessary?
6. Toad the Wet Sprocket: Haven’t survived the test of time as much as they should have
5. Billards: Strategy and skill mixed perfectly
4. Old, dirty, favorite hats: Very cool
3. Sweat pants: Nothing more comfortable
2. The Oklahoma Sooners: Three losses have come to No. 18 TCU, No. 12 UCLA and No. 2 Texas
1. Paper Plates: Not that trashy, very conveniet

Top 10 Overrated Things

10. Art
9. Darts
8. That guy who says he doesn’t like a band, then calls them his favorite after it hits it big.
7. Religion
6. That guy who really likes a band but later pretends not to like them once it becomes popular.
5. New York City
4. TORI FREAKIN’ AMOS, except for Cornflake girl ( Help: Living with gay man.)
3. Cafe Du Monde
2. baseball